Making Good Adults

By Jack Croft

--reprinted from Better Homes and Gardens, March 2007

 

     For decades, we've heard that if we could just inflate our children's self-esteem, they'd be happy, well-adjusted kids.  High self-esteem would vanquish poor grades, drug abuse, smoking, and drinking.

     But here's the trouble:  It doesn't work.  A team of researchers led by Roy F. Baumeister, a professor of psychology at Florida State University in Gainesville, conducted an exhaustive review for the American Psychological Society and found that, by virtually any measure, self-esteem has not lived up to its promises.

     So if self-esteem isn't the answer, what is?  "My advice would be to forget about self-esteem and concentrate on self-control," Baumeister says.  He defines self-control as "being able to resist temptation, control your impulses, focus your thoughts, and perform up to your capacity."  Here are some ways to help your kids develop such traits.    

Become a Model

     The role kind.  "Modeling is a  huge teaching device," says psychologist Charles Elliott, co-author of Hollow Kids:  Recapturing the Soul of a Generation Lost to the Self-Esteem Myth.  The next time you find yourself growing frustrated with something, Elliott suggests saying, "I'm so frustrated now that I'm going to put this aside for a while.  But I'm going to go back to this."  It will show your child there's a better way to handle frustration than exploding in anger. 

Laugh At Failure

     As adults, we tend to only do things we're good at.  But you should let your kids see you fail.  "The neatest people I know are not afraid to try things.  And they're often not good at them.  But they can laugh at themselves and they can have fun," says Kathleen Vohs, a researcher at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver.  "Fail in front of your child, but get up, brush yourself off, and just say, 'That was a lot of fun.'"  Then try it again.

 Emphasize Empathy

     A criticism of self-esteem is that it focuses too much on the self, instead of teaching kids about others.  Ask your child, "How do you think Johnny felt when that happened?"  If the answer's not a good one, help them put themselves in others' shoes.